Zero

See, I spent all my life blaming everyone else but myself for what I'd become.

I never was a good child. I was calm, but it was the madness inside that made me unbearably silent. I kept silent just to try to shut them up, by force, those voices inside. But they were stronger, and after a while I just let them out. I spoke their lines, with my voice, and it all seemed like such a natural child-thing, play-thing, to keep to myself, to talk to myself, to have this "wonderful imagination". To their eyes, I was blessed with a wonderful imagination. To this day, they all blame my bad moves on it; the paranoia, the tantrums, the screams, the hallucinations, the ghosts, the voices, the nagging truth. It's all in my head, all this non-sense, all this madness, all of it...

When I was a kid... I used to pray. I used to pray to God that He would make me different, somewhat special. Unique. I prayed that He would allow for me to be loved by everyone. I mean, everyone. I wanted to be famous. I wanted to be known across the world. I wanted recognition. I wanted admiration. I wanted attention... Pretty soon, it appeared to me I'd have to pray even harder to have God listen to me.

So I did... But He still wouldn't listen.

At age 8, I stopped believing.

When I realised I wasn't different, or special, or unique, I stopped believing. When I realised Daddy didn't want to be around anymore, I stopped believing. When he beat Mommy in their bedroom, right next to mine, and I had to pretend to my little brother everything would be OK, I stopped believing. When I realised, early that morning, that he was trying to kill her, and when I heard him threaten to kill us, I stopped believing altogether. Ever since, it's been a battle in my heart, one I'm about to win or lose, I almost don't care about the outcome. As long as it's over with.

I spent all my life blaming everyone else but myself for my actions, for my reactions, for my words, for my silence, for my contradictions... And tonight, I intend to end all of this sadness, this emptiness that swallows me whole.

"Emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is godliness and God is empty, just like me..."