Réponse à Alexie

Oui, j'ai reçu ta lettre. Tout de suite après l'avoir lue j'ai commencé à t'écrire. Mais j'étais toute énervée parce que j'allais voir M. et Djo, entre autres, et que j'en pin(çait) pour M. et que je m'ennuyais de Djo. BREF.

J'voulais juste te faire savoir que tu vas la recevoir d'ici vendredi, je la poste demain. J'écris encore ce soir, je te raconte une histoire pathétique, une histoire d'horreur et une histoire de fou, les trois pour le prix d'un timbre.

Ou d'une corde. Le timbre pour toi, la corde pour moi.

Ouais, ça va comme ça...

London calling (The Clash)

J'ai besoin d'un appart, je pense.

Ou d'un char.

J'ai besoin d'un homme (M.), d'un joint pis d'une baise.

J'm'en va me coucher.

London is burnin', but I have no fear
'Cause I... I live by the river.

Dedans vos dents.

Suffer

"All that you suffer is all that you are
All that you smother is all that you are
And you're saying you're seeing,
you're saying who you are
What takes meaning is cleaning
the meaning of who you are"

Everytime I see a family, a father with his children, a wedding, something inside me breaks. I start to cry, sometimes it's just a silent sob nobody notices, today it is a river flowing down my face.

I miss it. Even though I never really had it. I'm half empty. I miss my family. I miss a family I never really had. I have brothers and sisters I never got to know, some of them died before I even had a chance to search for them, some of them are still alive and probably feel as empty as I feel today, as I have felt all my life. I have aunts and uncles I will never get to know, a whole history I am not even aware of, an heritage I can not even grasp the importance and the beauty of.

Some people don't realize what us, children of immigrants, children born from parents with different nationalities, are missing out on. Half my family lives away, in a country where I know they're not getting everything they need, everything they deserve, in a country that I will never know, because I was born from a man who fled its pain and its misery, to attempt a better life, to become a better man.

I am divided in two countries, in two languages, in two cultures. I am half the woman I was intended to be.

Will I ever be whole?

Why is it that friends cannot replace family? My roots... My genes... Friends could never make up for all the things I am missing out on by being here, seperated from my history, my family.

I am angry. Angry at my father for letting us down, for letting my brothers down, even though I know he left hoping he could join them again one day. He had no excuse for my brother and I, though. I wonder if J. feels the same as I do. Does he ever wake up at night thinking there is a part of him missing? Does he ever realises that he will always be missing a father? Does he ever think about him? Does he even remember him? Is he as angry as me at our father? Will he ever forgive me for being the older one, the one who got everything she wanted when he was struggling for attention? I don't remember a day looking at my brother and seeing a real smile on his face, only the shadow of pain, torment and anger. Why couldn't I bring a smile to his face, when he needed it the most? Does he remember that day, the sounds, the fear, the pain, the voice, the threats? I wish I could have protected him from all of it, but I was too busy protecting my own life, and I will never forgive myself... Will he ever forgive me, if he remembers that day? And the day before? And the day after?

I feel guilty. Guilty that I have this life, these oppotunities, this future that they, over there, do not have. Guilty that I take water, food and the roof over my head for granted. Guilty that I spend money I don't have for things I don't really need, when I could send it away to help build a better future for my cousins, nieces and nephews.

I am sad. Torn between embracing my duality, and erasing it from my memory, from my life.

Will I ever find peace in my heart?

Today

Aujourd'hui, des petits riens qui rendent heureux... (Ben oui, un post poche sur ma journée. Ça m'arrive jamais, pardonnez mon manque de créativité artistique, hein.)

Premièrement, une entrevue pour un emploi "de grande personne" (40h/semaine, 12$/heure...!) J'déteste les entrevues, mais sûrement moins que Lexie. Pourtant celle-là, je la retiendrai longtemps... La fille avait l'air encore plus jeune que moi, et pourtant ce serait elle mon patron. J'me sentais tellement comme une bonne à rien, devant elle, en jeans et Ethnies (wardrobe malfunction, OK), bleh. En plus, je me suis prise à me triturer le bouton de chemise, celui qui décide si oui ou non j'montre ma craque. Une chance que j'avais une camisole en dessous, hein! Une belle camisole gris-cotonouatéavecdesloups... Bof, j'm'énerve pas trop avec ça, oui ce serait vraiment cool, mais j'ai déjà un emploi, j'mourrai pas.

ENSUITE!!! En passant par la Main, j'ai vu une annonce dans la vitrine d'une de mes boutiques préférées, Ville et Campagne, qui disait qu'elles (les propriétaires) recherchent un/e employé/e à temps partiel, ce qui ma foi, me conviendrait tout autant. J'vais y aller demain.

Je pense que le clou de ma journée, c'est définitivement le fait que j'ai ENFIN osé faire un move avec un certain Monsieur au travail. Évidemment j'ai agit en couillonne, en n'osant pas l'inviter face à face et en l'appelant (le dérangeant?) au travail. Il avait autre chose de prévu avec unE amiE, fille que j'ai vu en allant au travail chercher quelque chose pour grand-maman (le nouveau Wilfreeeed) et qui se pâmait devant lui. Urgh. Mais c'pas grave, au moins je l'ai fait. Le pire qui pouvait arriver c'était qu'il dise non, et il a dit "On se reprendra une autre fois". Pure charité chrétienne? Meh.

"Today is the greatest
Day I've never known
Can't wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I'll tear my heart out
Before I get out"